“You have a great blog.  I’ve gotten some great stuff from it.  Have to say though that I get tired of all your posts about how I should have sex with my husband.  Maybe it’s just easy for you, but it’s not for me.  I’m just not into sex, and shouldn’t he understand that if he loves me?”

Interesting question.  I wonder if you use that same line of thinking when the roles are reversed.

Let’s say he’s not into whatever it is that makes you feel loved and cherished.  So he never says “I love you”.  Or never helps you around the house.  Because it’s just not his thing.

You should just understand that, right?

And, sweetheart?  It’s not about what’s easy or what you are or not into.

Trying to justify your lack of respect and/or consideration using those means is pretty lame.  You’re basically saying that you, your needs, your preferences, your whims, are more important than his.  That’s just not how marriage works.  At least, not a good one.

(If I was talking to him, I’d say that, yes, he would need to be more sympathetic and understanding of you.  But I’m not talking to him, I’m talking to you.  And he likely has great reason to complain about you, too.)

Look, we each have to give and take within our marital relationships.  There are some things that I just have to concede on, and the same is true for my husband.  Stuff like what you each like (or hate) for meals, or what the ideal sleeping temperature  is, or sometimes home decor.  Even, perhaps whether the toilet paper roll faces the front or back.

Sex is no different.  So there’s no “right” answer when it comes to amount of sex.  The point is that you are each supposed to consider the needs of the other above your own.  Instead, you sound as if you’ve given up.  Just decided that your liking takes preference over his.

Worse still, you then throw in the little “if he loved me” line which is basically questioning his commitment to you.  You, the one who is so clearly stating that you are not really committed to him.

I think you are severely underestimating the hurt you cause him each time you turn him down.  Habitual rejection has a devastating effect on marriage.

And, not that it matters, but it’s not always easy for me.  I could remind you that we’ve been married 17 years, have had six children, own businesses, etc.  So I am no stranger to the ebb and flow of sexual drive. But here’s what I’ve learned..

I cannot base my actions solely upon my feelings at any given time.  Love also consists of purposeful acts and conscious decisions, made consistently and regularly.

Sex, as an act of love, falls under that umbrella.  It’s interesting to note that feelings often follow acts, and this is true of sex as well.  Willingness soon leads to enjoyment.

When I have experienced down times, I examined what the underlying issue was, and attempted to address it.  Bad diet, lack of certain nutrients, hormone levels, emotional reasons, hidden resentment, or depression can cause low sex drive, or even sexual aversion.  Being inclined to address the issue and then doing what it takes to heal goes a long way in restoring a healthy sex life with your husband.

A real man flirts.

A whole lot.

But with only one woman.

Part 1 was Strength.  Part 2, Works.  Part 3, Speech.  Part 4, Loves.

Part 1 was Strength.  Part 2 was Works.  Part 3 was Speech.

A real man understands that life is much bigger than himself, his needs and wants, or his video game score.

A real man makes love to his wife unselfishly.  He seeks to learn what pleases her.  He practices self-control.  He never stops wooing his wife.

A real man understands that washing dishes or vacuuming can be foreplay.

A real man is patient and tender with his children.  He isn’t afraid to get down on their level.  He challenges and stretches them while acknowledging their limitations and weaknesses.

Part 1 was Strength.  Part 2 was Works.

A real man is honest and sincere.  He doesn’t always have to be right.  He is quick to apologize.  He doesn’t mind listening.

A real man rarely, if ever, raises his voice.  He doesn’t belittle waitstaff.  He doesn’t resort to cussing over every little thing.  He doesn’t call you names.  He isn’t the guy who always has a dirty joke to tell.

A real man knows how to hold a conversation with an eight-year-old and an eighty-year-old.

A real man speaks respectfully and lovingly to his wife or girlfriend.

A real man doesn’t need to drop the f-bomb to make his point.

A real man doesn’t think he has to get loud to demand respect, because he’s already earned it.

A real man speaks life into his wife and children.  He praises, encourages, and expresses his care for them.

A real man isn’t afraid to talk about Jesus.

Part 1 was Strength

A real man knows that it’s up to him to get off his arse.

He is willing to put his time, skills, and strength to use.  He understands that it is primarily his responsibility to provide for his loved ones, and will do so even when it sucks.

A real man knows his real job isn’t done when he “clocks out”.  He is well aware that his most important roles are that of husband and father, and seeks to serve them even when he doesn’t feel like it.

A real man doesn’t hesitate to help wherever he is needed.  He does not think he is above any task.

A real man isn’t afraid to stand up for what is right.

A real man does not shirk from a difficult thing, if it is the right thing.

He knows that strength of character is more important than physical strength.

While a real man may be physically stronger, he only uses his strength for work, to protect, or maybe even just to impress his lady.  He never uses his brawn to intimidate those who are in his care.  If a male uses his superior strength to control a woman in any way, he is not a man.  He is a little boy with muscles.

A real man isn’t afraid to accept help.  Sometimes, he’ll even ask for it.

A real man values wise counsel.  He surrounds himself with other good men.

A real man knows that it isn’t all about him.

“I don’t understand you.  You write about sex a lot.  That’s cool.  A lot of it has really made me think.  But then you write sh*t like how awful pole dancing is, like some bible thumping prude.  Isn’t that hypocritical?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating on you or what you say but honestly just don’t see how it all fits together.”

I believe you are referring to a comment I made on Facebook about the inappropriateness of having pole dancers at a local fundraiser.

Maybe this will clear any confusion.

I don’t have anything against pole dancing.  Pole dancing is great…

if it is a wife dancing for her husband.

(Or a husband dancing for his wife, if they’re into that sort of thing.)

It’s pretty simple, actually.  I think sex is designed and created to be enjoyed between two people within the context of marriage. In this sense, I encourage married couples to fully indulge sexually, and that includes wives satisfying their husband visually.

But the point of our sexuality being an awesome pleasure that is celebrated with our spouse also means that no one else is allowed, including visually.  So, no porn, or strip clubs or even stupid fundraisers with pole dancers.

When married couples completely sexually devote themselves only to one another, they can also revel in the sensual freedom that it brings.  He is faithful to her in all ways, and she therefore feels safe with him.  There is openness and complete pleasure.

As for the Bible thumping, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

It is the Jesus freaks who have the best sex.

See, God invented sex.  And there’s a funny thing about completely embracing the purposes and plans of the One who invented sex.  It not only makes sense, it makes for greater intimacy and passion.

Besides, God also wrote about dancing for your man.  Yup, it’s in the Bible.

In the end of Song of Solomon 6 and throughout 7, a wife performs the dance of Mahanaim, an ancient strip tease, as her husband encourages her by praising every part of her body.

Now, that’s the kind of Bible thumping I dig.

“I enjoy date nights.  But there’s a problem that is starting to make me dread them.  Every time, without fail, my husband wants to end the evening with sex.  It’s like he even expects it.”

Uh…

Excuse me for a second.

*pounding head against wall*

Okay.  Help me out here.  Why the heck would you not end a great evening together with sex?

And, please.  Spare me your usual lame excuses.

If your sex life is lousy, then date night is the perfect time to work on that.  Don’t continue in the cycle of rejecting him, causing hurt feelings on both sides, and then denying there’s a problem.  Get over yourself, woman, and give your man some satisfaction.

Let’s face it, many women don’t want sex because their emotional needs aren’t being met.

BUT.

Listen, if you want evenings of conversation and time together, or at least have him take out the garbage all on his own at least once, then you damn well need to be attentive to his needs as well.  What motivation does he have to woo you when you can’t, no, you won’t, meet even his most basic desires?  Come on.  Sex is easy! He’s the one with the difficult job!

And, yes, you bet I’m calling you difficult.

If you have trouble being “in the mood”, you need a reality check.  I doubt he’s often “in the mood” to come home to your complaining.

News flash.  It’s your job to be excited about sex.  Don’t lay that impossible burden on him.

Change the way you think about sex, and it’ll change how you feel about it.   Basically, get your thoughts turned in that direction ahead of time, in an attitude of eager expectancy.  Prepare the way mentally, and it’ll be that much easier to respond physically.

I’ve got a good man.

I’m not just talking handsome looks and great personality, although he certainly has all that.

Let me lay it down for ya.

Make-yer-knees-weak manliness with a dose of tenderness, strong work ethic balanced by knowing how to have a good time, will talk for hours along with being a great listener, and a perfect blend of family man, provider, and lover.

*happy sigh*

But, as much as I love to talk about him, this post isn’t actually about him.  See, as much as I adore my man and thank my good-God-almighty every day for him, I’m not the only one who recognizes and appreciates him.

Pretty much every other woman out there does, too.

Sometimes I think if I witness one more waitress sticking boob-crack in his face or some airhead giggling in his direction, or, heaven help me, oh-so-innocently asking him for a light, there will be yet another charge added to my record.

(Wait. What?  Hmph, I’ll never tell.  But.  I did almost get arrested one time over mah backyard chickens.  Wild, I know.  Somebody stop me.)

Women can sniff out a man as good as mine from across the room.  I usually see them coming before he does.  If I’m in a good mood, I don’t even warn him.

Yeah, you read that right.

I said, if I’m in a good mood I don’t even warn him.  I mean, it’s almost like watching a comedy.  “Desperate hussy fawns over married man who politely tries to extricate himself from situation.”  Hilarious.

(Although I think some of these gals would flirt with a tree, if they could figure out a way it could at least buy them dinner.)

Sometimes I just snicker from a distance while he sends me S.O.S. messages with his eyes.  I do it for her, peoples.  It’s far less embarrassing for her if she takes his nice hints to heart and gets the message before I have to come and spell it out for her.

(See, I’m not the only one here who’s old-fashioned. He usually takes the gentleman route and treats a female like a lady even when she isn’t acting like one.  Me, I’m not so inclined.)

And what if I’m in a bad mood?

Well, as far as anyone knows, nothing.

But there may or may not be a chick here and there who periodically touches a scar as the memory of my face floats through her brain.

Seeing how the cats prowl, even right in front of me, I can only imagine how it is when I’m not around.  Yeesh.

(Actually, I don’t have to imagine very far, since he tells me a lot of it anyway.  Some of the lines used are still running jokes between us.)

A side of me simply says, Hey, I trust him.  And that’s part of it.  But I would be stupid to think that’s always enough.

(He’s done some really dumb stuff.)  (So have I.)

Here’s the other part of it.  The part that most people don’t get, and never will.

No other woman can offer what he already has in abundance.

I’m not just talking about what he gets from me.  Yeah, sure, fantastic sex, respect and deep friendship have something to do with it.  But what I’m referring to is more than that.

1.  Jesus  and   2. Commitment.

He’s committed to God, therefore committed to his vows, therefore committed to me, and our children, and all that WE are.  It goes beyond him, and me, and any person.  It’s something that is not easily broken or tossed aside, because it’s bigger than the two of us.

(One last deep, profound thought to all the shameless flirts out there, from the depths of my heart.)

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, bitch.

Today is our anniversary.  Which is amazing and wonderful and makes me feel all giddy inside.

But as much as I love the fact we’re celebrating 17 years of marriage, I’d like to take this occasion to talk about something that bugs me.

Weddings.

Actually, that’s not exactly right.  Weddings are great.

In theory.

Here’s what would make a great wedding:  A man and woman joining together as one, uniting two lives and two families, as their families and friends share in the celebration of a new family, dedicated to supporting and strengthening the marriage as long as they both live.

But, that’s not what most weddings are.

What usually always ends up happening is that somewhere along the way, the bride, buying into the whole “it’s my day” garbage, starts acting as if the mountains will crash into the sea if the flowers aren’t the exact shade of the cummerbunds.

Seriously, the fonts on the invitations are just not worth sobbing over.

(Okay, it’s usually one of the mothers that starts the whole “I’ll scream and hold my breath if I don’t get my way” attitude.  But, we won’t go there.)

I have a hunch that if people spent half the time preparing for marriage as they did for a wedding, there would be a heck of a lot more happily married couples out there.

What so many ladies forget is that it isn’t about being a princess for a day.  It’s about being a bride, not only that day, but every single day that you are married, for the rest of your life.

The whole obsession we have with the meaningless details, like whether or not to have lace trim on the bridal veil, just shows how much we completely miss what the point of the day actually should be.

Two becoming one?  What does that even mean nowadays?  Something needs to give for that equation to take place.  Sounds like hard words like sacrifice and serving.  How much does that come up when couples are planning the “big day”?

Unfortunately, we often take a day that should be about giving and rejoicing, and turn it into pure selfishness.

But, hey.  What do I know.

(I’m just someone who looked at the foreboding task of having a simple, meaningful wedding that went against the flow of all the weird traditions and knee-jerk assumptions we have surrounding weddings here in America, decided that the fight probably wouldn’t be worth it, and took the easy route.   As in, just the two of us went to the courthouse.)

I don’t have anything against weddings.  Weddings are wonderful.  They make me cry.  In a good way.

But it’s not the decorations I remember, or what her shoes were like.  It’s the way the groom looked at his bride, and touched her waist, and how she leaned into him when they laughed, and if they truly smiled at each other.

Plan for a marriage, dear brides.  Not just your wedding.