Yesterday I stated that real love involves personal sacrifice.  Let’s explore that more fully.

There is an ancient romantic script that depicts love beautifully.   The Songs of Solomon are about a couple who love each other fiercely and describe their devotion to one another.  In it, we find some Hebrew words for love that we can learn from:

Raya – defined as friend or companion. Not to be confused with a mere acquaintance, it is the kind of bond you have with someone when you have seen their flaws and shortcomings, and you still like them.

So, we get along with someone pretty well and enjoy being with them.  For most, this is usually enough.  If there’s strong physical attraction and we’re idiots, we take it to the next level on our own and have sex.  Of course, we’re then shocked when we struggle and barely cling to our notion of love that seems so difficult and well, unsatisfying.

It’s broken, and so we try to learn better sexual techniques, or try to learn how to communicate more effectively, or decide that we just need to satisfy and depend solely on ourselves.  Often that means we leave and make the same mistake with the next person we find who fits raya.

There is far more to love.

ahava – This is the love of the will.  It is a conscious decision, made over and over.  It is saying, I am going to stick with this person despite circumstances, amidst any changing feelings, and throughout the realities of life.  This flies in the face of what we likely believe.  We are too wrapped up in what “I deserve” and what “my rights” are and fear and insecurities and baggage and on and on.

But it is only through this specific action of constant choosing that we can experience the third aspect of love.  The kind we can have only when we’re willing for the sacrifice it means to have it.

Dod – This is basically sex, but it’s the kind of sexual intimacy that includes both raya and ahava. It’s all the physical aspects of lovemaking like caressing and orgasm added to the tenderness of opening yourself fully and the security of knowing you can trust and be safely vulnerable with this person.  It’s probably what most have in their mind when they say things like “soul mate”.

Are you limiting yourself to raya love?  Or are you willing for the personal sacrifice of ahava love to have dod love?

Again, these posts are written with functional, generally healthy relationships in mind. Don’t use me to justify staying in an abusive relationship. Get informed, get help.

There is a lot of nonsense revolving around how people define love.  You’ll hear about meeting the “one” true love, knowing via a kiss, and falling in (and out) of love.  It’s as if love is some kind of sickness that infects some and makes them act in strange ways, an arbitrary disease beyond our control that can pass as quickly as it comes.  If we’re “cured” and just “fall out of love” it’s no fault of our own, and of course we’re completely justified in going on our merry way… Unless the ailment strikes again.

Others will reduce it to a result of hormones and chemicals surging in the brain and other organs.  Again, something completely beyond our control.  We’re robots under the command of seemingly random internal spurts and sizzles.

Movies and books perpetuate this rubbish.  You’re either a die-hard romantic who swoons and sighs, as fickle as the wind,  or you’re the resolute logical one who doesn’t “believe” in it at all.  At least, until the part where they too finally get overtaken with infectious love and live happily ever after with their soul mate.

Oh, we don’t like to let go of this idea.  It resonates with us.  Mainly, I think, because it absolves us of any responsibility.

Other words should come to mind along with the word love.  Expressions like commitment, honor, dedication, honesty, respect, devotion, serving…

There are quite a few definitions in the mockumentary Paper Heart. Ironically, it was the romance novelist  who came the closest to describing love correctly.

“When one makes a personal sacrifice for another person, that’s when it’s really love.”

Sacrifice.

Love isn’t without warm, gushy emotions, passionate intensity, and all that kind of stuff we prefer to focus on.  It’s also much, much more than that.

True love is giving, serving, and loving even when we don’t feel any of those things.

Tomorrow we’ll continue with Part 2 by discussing the three aspects of love.

These posts are written with functional, generally healthy relationships in mind. Don’t use me to justify staying in an abusive relationship. Get informed, get help.