Okay, I think its about time to wrap this series up.  I just need to answer an additional complaint.

“TamraGirl, why do you only talk about what the wife is supposed to do?  What about the husbands?  I mean, they have responsibilities and duties, too!  Don’t you think you’re being just a little too unrealistic?  Get a clue.”

Husbands certainly do have a list of things they are responsible for, probably even more than what the wife has!  But in case you haven’t noticed, I am a female. (I know the name can be confusing. Heh.)  I write about struggles, things I’ve learned, and stuff I’m dealing with as a woman, wife and mother.  I write mainly to other females.

Our husbands do need encouragement, accountability and help but they probably won’t find that here.  Yeah, it would be great if Baby Daddy did some guest posts and beat up on the men a little, eh?

So now I’ll end with a few end notes about some larger issues that may be affecting sexual intimacy that are more than just a woman’s low libido.

If sexual intimacy disagreements are a result of severe marital disharmony, it’s probably beyond what this little blog can fix!  I encourage you to pray fervently, and seek a godly couple to learn from and receive counseling with.

If it stems from past sexual sin or abuse, I again encourage lots of prayer as well as guidance from a godly person or couple.

If the problem is ongoing porn and your husband is a believer in Jesus, ask if he would be willing to install tracking software on his computer, receive accountability through another male, and read Porn Again Christian (a free downloadable e-book).  If he refuses, continuing to regularly engage in porn while claiming Christ, its probably time to seek outside help.

The past couple days I’ve been talking about ways you can support, build, and maintain a healthy sexual libido in your marriage.

What is considered healthy, or normal?

Well, that would vary from couple to couple.  What does your husband consider normal?  That may be quite different from your view of a healthy sex life!  The point is that it shouldn’t become a source of contention or bitterness between you.  I encourage you as a wife to be very careful that you don’t come to view the topic to be a standing dispute that you each take opposing sides on, without considering each other’s needs.

There are certainly seasons in life when sexual activity changes and demands our creativity or adaptation.  Pregnancy, after giving birth, sickness, travel, with mutual consent during fasting, during monthly cycles, and on and on.

The question we should ask ourselves is, are we willing to hear his requests and preferences and then consider yielding in some areas?

Is it even open for discussion?

Ebbs and flows of marital intimacy is a far cry from “But I just don’t feel like it!”  That implies that everything revolves around you – your needs, your emotions, your priorities.  That’s not how love works.  True love serves.  Gives.  Puts the other first.

Keep the lines of communication open.

(Oh, and that doesn’t mean talking till your blue in the face while he bangs his head against the wall.)

Yeah, I’m talking about that again.

Yesterday I posted on physical drive, which is just one aspect of libido.  You can read that here.

The other aspect to libido is desire.  Desire is the craving to connect with your husband and the need for intimacy.  The battle usually takes place in our minds, and is fueled mostly by our actions.  Ways we can feed our desire:

• Touch
• Flirt
• Laugh
• Dive in

Touch your husband often.  Physical contact keeps the embers stirred, so to speak.  Rub his hair or neck while watching television together.  Hold hands.  Lay your hand on his thigh whenever you are sitting together.

You remember how to flirt, right? Playful fun gets things going ahead of time, and its a no-pressure way to connect sexually.  What about calling him by that pet name you used to call him way back when?  Send him fun text messages or emails.  Give his bum a quick squeeze whenever you walk by.

When’s the last time you really laughed together?  Somehow through all the demands and strain of married life, you may wear your frown far too often.  Start by consciously remembering to smile at your husband, even if its for no reason at all.  Laughter releases endorphins and paves the way for intimacy.

Okay, sometimes no matter what you’ve tried, you still just don’t feel like it.  But he’s made his move.  (You know the one.)  So just do it. Dive right in.  Often, once we begin the physical motions our brain catches up and pulls our heart right along with it.  Within minutes, you’re actually enjoying yourself!

I’m sure you can come up with many more ideas!  Have fun with it, and enjoy the process.  and please feel free to leave any suggestions or things that have worked for you in the comments!

Note: I realize that these things just skim the surface.  These posts are assuming that you are experiencing just a normal sexual hiccup.  If there’s something greater going on, such as porn addiction or your marriage is really suffering , these probably won’t cut it.  I may write about those too, if time allows.  They deserve a more in-depth post.

“TamraGirl…” you say.  “I really like reading your blog and all…”

And then it comes.  “But…”

“You really need to quit yanging at me to have sex with my husband.  You just don’t get it.  Because…”

1. I don’t have time
2. He wants it all. the. time.
3. I’m too tired.
4. It takes too long.
5. And I just don’t feel like it.

You are not alone.  The majority of women struggle with sex, in one way or another.  What matters is how we respond to that.  Do we conform to the typical image of having a perpetual headache?  Or do we take responsibility and make an effort?

There are two aspects of libido.  Physical drive is one, and desire is the other.

I’m going to deal with the first one today – The physical aspect.  The, you know, urge.  It’s fueled by hormones and nerve ending and bursts of brain sizzlings.  (Or something like that.)  When we are overtired, stressed, or not eating a balanced diet, our physical bodies often are not able to fuel a healthy sex drive.

There are many ways we can protect our physical side of libido.

• Getting enough sleep
• Taking time to relax and unwind regularly
• Eating healthy
• Supporting with supplements

Get off the computer in the evening, and instead take a walk.  Set aside just twenty minutes every day to be quiet or pray.

We can’t always control how busy life gets, or the fact that we can’t remember the last time we had a two hour bubble bath.  But we can always ensure we’re nourishing our body!  When we are not eating correctly, it affects our vitamin, mineral, and nutritional (like omegas) intake which in turn affect our adrenals and complete endocrine system, which affects our hormone balance and on and on.

Avoid white flour and most starches, as they just turn into sugar. (The kind that makes your blood sugar skyrocket then crash, and also reside in your hips forever.)  Also avoid synthetic sweeteners, such as Aspertame and Splenda, as they are the quickest way to destroy cells and their function.  ‘Empty’ foods (such as most snacks and drinks like soda) give you empty calories that don’t actually feed your body.

Women need healthy fats (from foods such as nuts, avocados, coconut oil, etc).  Farm fresh eggs are also one of the best foods you can treat yourself to.  Simple meals made from whole ingredients are so much more nourishing than a plate full of empty fillers.  Some foods can actually deplete our bodies of anything good we do end up eating!

Supplements can also help us maintain nutritional balance. Fish oil is so very good for every woman.  Women also need sufficient amounts of B vitamins.  A mineral supplement is highly recommended, as many issues stem from a mineral imbalance.

An essential oil blend that has greatly helped many women is Joy.  Placing just a few drops over their heart and behind each ear every day for a week or so greatly improved physical drive.  I can speak from personal experience with that one!

Tomorrow I’ll be dealing with the second aspect to libido.  Stay tuned!