Did you know that most women who are in prostitution began when they were just thirteen to sixteen years old?

So many girls are there because they basically found themselves there, long before they had the ability to really make their own choices.

Some of them jump at the chance to get out of that lifestyle. Others stay in.  But all of them are real. While the details of their experiences differ, a thread of similarity interweaves them together.

Many of them were romanced by a young man promising the world, quickly becoming too entangled to leave, even if they wanted to.  Most of them don’t know if they want to leave.  They’ve been mistreated and abused for as long as they can remember; By their dads, brothers, friends… They don’t know any differently.

I am angry.

Not so much at the pimps and johns who abuse and exploit these women and girls.  Not even so much at the idiots who hire them.  Not at the cops who arrest them, forgetting these underage girls are victims as much as they are criminals.  Not at the hospital workers who treat and release them with no questions asked.

No, I am angry at myself.  I am angry at you.

I asked this question recently, and I ask it again; How are we, in our safe and supposedly disconnected lives, contributing to this problem by perpetuating a mindset of flippancy and selfishness when it comes to women and sex?

Oh, we may think we are free to do what we want.  But our choices have greater significance than what goes on in our little, sterile world.   Our worldviews become our course of action, and those collective actions build up and become a general mindset for a group.

Our decisions have huge impact, because they become culture.

How we dress, who we sleep with, how many we sleep with, what pictures we post of ourselves on Facebook, what our MySpace page looks like, what our email address is, what we think is funny, what we wink at, what we choose to ignore, what we place importance on, what we joke about, what we take offense at, how we treat people of the opposite sex, how we treat our spouse, what clothing we buy for our young daughters, how we allow ourselves to be treated, how we fail to protect the weak…

…it matters.

I hear outrage expressed sometimes, about female genital mutilation, child prostitution, sex trafficking, and on and on… But that happens right here.  Not in just some dirty country halfway around the world, but in our neighborhoods.  And yet we have songs that joke about being in love with a stripper?  We yuk it up about being a pimp?

These girls, these little girls, are connected to your choices.

Here’s my opinion about the hypocrisy and ridiculousness of people who scream about their “rights” or “freedom” or even “equality” while making fun of those who understand the importance of self-control and the value of sexual boundaries…

Don’t you dare to talk to me about human rights and social justice when you turn right around and contribute to a tradition of sexual promiscuity.

I am not impressed with labels that try to make irresponsibility into something cool.   It’s not even about religious morals.  I don’t care if you’re agnostic, Christian, atheist, or Buddhist.

If you have an underlying disrespect and disregard for your body, the bodies of others, and for sex, you are providing the groundwork for the abuse of girls and women.

I’m sure they thank you for your contribution.

“I don’t understand you.  You write about sex a lot.  That’s cool.  A lot of it has really made me think.  But then you write sh*t like how awful pole dancing is, like some bible thumping prude.  Isn’t that hypocritical?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating on you or what you say but honestly just don’t see how it all fits together.”

I believe you are referring to a comment I made on Facebook about the inappropriateness of having pole dancers at a local fundraiser.

Maybe this will clear any confusion.

I don’t have anything against pole dancing.  Pole dancing is great…

if it is a wife dancing for her husband.

(Or a husband dancing for his wife, if they’re into that sort of thing.)

It’s pretty simple, actually.  I think sex is designed and created to be enjoyed between two people within the context of marriage. In this sense, I encourage married couples to fully indulge sexually, and that includes wives satisfying their husband visually.

But the point of our sexuality being an awesome pleasure that is celebrated with our spouse also means that no one else is allowed, including visually.  So, no porn, or strip clubs or even stupid fundraisers with pole dancers.

When married couples completely sexually devote themselves only to one another, they can also revel in the sensual freedom that it brings.  He is faithful to her in all ways, and she therefore feels safe with him.  There is openness and complete pleasure.

As for the Bible thumping, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

It is the Jesus freaks who have the best sex.

See, God invented sex.  And there’s a funny thing about completely embracing the purposes and plans of the One who invented sex.  It not only makes sense, it makes for greater intimacy and passion.

Besides, God also wrote about dancing for your man.  Yup, it’s in the Bible.

In the end of Song of Solomon 6 and throughout 7, a wife performs the dance of Mahanaim, an ancient strip tease, as her husband encourages her by praising every part of her body.

Now, that’s the kind of Bible thumping I dig.

I’ve got a good man.

I’m not just talking handsome looks and great personality, although he certainly has all that.

Let me lay it down for ya.

Make-yer-knees-weak manliness with a dose of tenderness, strong work ethic balanced by knowing how to have a good time, will talk for hours along with being a great listener, and a perfect blend of family man, provider, and lover.

*happy sigh*

But, as much as I love to talk about him, this post isn’t actually about him.  See, as much as I adore my man and thank my good-God-almighty every day for him, I’m not the only one who recognizes and appreciates him.

Pretty much every other woman out there does, too.

Sometimes I think if I witness one more waitress sticking boob-crack in his face or some airhead giggling in his direction, or, heaven help me, oh-so-innocently asking him for a light, there will be yet another charge added to my record.

(Wait. What?  Hmph, I’ll never tell.  But.  I did almost get arrested one time over mah backyard chickens.  Wild, I know.  Somebody stop me.)

Women can sniff out a man as good as mine from across the room.  I usually see them coming before he does.  If I’m in a good mood, I don’t even warn him.

Yeah, you read that right.

I said, if I’m in a good mood I don’t even warn him.  I mean, it’s almost like watching a comedy.  “Desperate hussy fawns over married man who politely tries to extricate himself from situation.”  Hilarious.

(Although I think some of these gals would flirt with a tree, if they could figure out a way it could at least buy them dinner.)

Sometimes I just snicker from a distance while he sends me S.O.S. messages with his eyes.  I do it for her, peoples.  It’s far less embarrassing for her if she takes his nice hints to heart and gets the message before I have to come and spell it out for her.

(See, I’m not the only one here who’s old-fashioned. He usually takes the gentleman route and treats a female like a lady even when she isn’t acting like one.  Me, I’m not so inclined.)

And what if I’m in a bad mood?

Well, as far as anyone knows, nothing.

But there may or may not be a chick here and there who periodically touches a scar as the memory of my face floats through her brain.

Seeing how the cats prowl, even right in front of me, I can only imagine how it is when I’m not around.  Yeesh.

(Actually, I don’t have to imagine very far, since he tells me a lot of it anyway.  Some of the lines used are still running jokes between us.)

A side of me simply says, Hey, I trust him.  And that’s part of it.  But I would be stupid to think that’s always enough.

(He’s done some really dumb stuff.)  (So have I.)

Here’s the other part of it.  The part that most people don’t get, and never will.

No other woman can offer what he already has in abundance.

I’m not just talking about what he gets from me.  Yeah, sure, fantastic sex, respect and deep friendship have something to do with it.  But what I’m referring to is more than that.

1.  Jesus  and   2. Commitment.

He’s committed to God, therefore committed to his vows, therefore committed to me, and our children, and all that WE are.  It goes beyond him, and me, and any person.  It’s something that is not easily broken or tossed aside, because it’s bigger than the two of us.

(One last deep, profound thought to all the shameless flirts out there, from the depths of my heart.)

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, bitch.

I’m out of the dating/courting/flirting stage, but some things never change.

Girls, leave the pursuing to the fellas.  Really.  It just makes you look desperate.

Even if he’s initially flattered by your attention, it won’t be long before the compliment turns into an annoyance. Besides, in my not-so-humble opinion, a guy that you have to chase isn’t really worth having.

You can let him know you’re interested.  But clutching his ankle while he drags you along is just distasteful.

In other words, don’t call him every day.  Don’t even text him every day.  You’re not fooling anyone showing up to every. single. place. he’s at.  Stop stalking him on Facebook.

And, by all that is holy, stop writing your first name with his last name amidst hearts and flowers on everything you own.

I know, I know.  Guys can be dolts sometimes, and it hurts to watch him be taken in by some other bimbo’s bolder advances.  But, trust me.  If he’s actually of any value, he’ll come to his senses.

And he’ll appreciate and respect the girl who respected herself.

I’ve been sitting here staring at the screen for several minutes.  I’ve typed and deleted a couple sentences.  I don’t know how to begin this; This rambling post that has been swimming around in my head about how I write a lot, but feel like there’s more that I don’t understand than what I do understand, and all the questions that swarm my thoughts on a daily basis, and while I try to be faithful to what I have learned and know to be true I can’t escape the reality that the more I know, the more I realize I don’t know.

I think I repeated myself a couple times there.  See, that’s what happens when I just vomit my thoughts on a page.  At least, I think there is one coherent thought in there, somewhere.

Every once in a while, someone will say or write something so nice to me, thanking me for what I write, or asking my advice, or wishing they could’ve known or thought something earlier, or whatever people say that makes me feel all sunshiny inside.

(It makes the icky comments and mail far more tolerable, by the way.  People are so thoughtful, you know, trying to point out all the things I’m doing wrong, or at least not perfectly.  It calls for some self-examination on my part, but usually I’m just humored by the idea that they think I’m so influential.  Whenever I am feeling down I just go back and read my hate mail, so I can feel like I really am significant and have such impact.)

While I appreciate the nice stuff (Who wouldn’t? What, you think I’m made of angel dust?) I kind of get uncomfortable if I begin to feel like someone is getting the impression that I think I have it all figured out.

Honestly?  I sometimes feel like I am drowning in doubts.

Not drowning as in every once in a while stopping and considering the possibility that I might be wrong about something.  I’m talking about drowning as in Oh my God, please help me have a clue about something.  Anything at all.

(Assuming there is a God, because yes, sometimes I feel like I could be talking to a cute little green man in suspenders just as much as the Creator of the Universe.)

So, yeah.  There’s the gut-wrenching uncertainty that even what I believe right now could be proven wrong tomorrow.  That always sucks.

And while I wish that the topics I write about was stuff that has appeared on glitter-sprinkled scrolls I found beneath a fern leaf in my garden, there’s instead the undeniable truth that much of what I have learned, I’ve learned by doing the opposite and making a complete butt of myself.

I’ve had to battle the weight of crushing debt.  I’ve screamed at my husband with tears running down my face and my hands clenched into fists.  I’ve cried myself to sleep over the horrible way I responded to my children on a particularly frustrating day.  I have felt the chains of anger, laziness, pride, and the inability, no, the unwillingness to forgive.

Heck, if I’m really gonna be honest here I’ll have to say I’ve broken my toe because I meant to angrily kick over a pile of folded clothes and ended up catching the corner of the wall as well.  Because I’m that awesome.

I’ve also known the freedom of taking responsibility.  I’ve felt as if my heart could explode with the exquisiteness that comes from deeper intimacy with my husband.  I’ve enjoyed the results of learning how to better relate with my children and raise them in a way that actually makes life with them a huge blessing.  I’ve experienced liberty from captivity, in several ways.

But my writings aren’t only my stories.  I’ve read letters and listened to women.  Some who can’t contain their joy as they excitedly share their story.  I celebrate with them.  Others, who make my throat swell even as I write this, who have spilled their hearts and related their tales of pain.  I mourn with them.  And then there are the ones who I may not even know, but share their story simply by the way they speak, or dress, or post pictures of themselves on Facebook.  They’re the ones I think about most of all.

And that’s what I pour out on the page.

I’ve been told I have some pretty weird, out-dated ideas about sex and related issues like porn, abstinence, and sex in marriage.  When asked why I believe what I do, the easy answer is because that’s what the Bible says about it. But that doesn’t mean much to most people, even those who claim to believe in Jesus.

My guess is because we really don’t understand why God would’ve said to wait till marriage to have sex, or to remain monogamous as long as you both live, or to never lust after another, etc.  In our minds, it’s like a stern, glaring parent telling us we can’t have any candy.  It just seems like we’re being kept from doing all the fun, yummy stuff.

It doesn’t dawn on us that if the One who created our bodies, created sex, created attraction, and created orgasm, then He probably had a reason for it, and most likely designed that purpose to give us great, even mind-blowing blessing.

Instead, we settle for far, far less.  Let me explain.

Let’s say that you’re going to meet your friend at a really classy, upscale restaurant.  They’ve offered to buy, and you are anticipating the wonderful, mouth-watering meal you’ll enjoy there.  As you travel, you hungrily wonder what will be on the menu.  You’ve heard stories of the fantastic experiences others have had, and you can hardly wait to savor it yourself.

As the miles pass, you cannot stop thinking about how ravenous you are already.  Your stomach growls loudly, and you consider stopping to get something small and light to take the edge off your hunger.  You continue on, knowing that it would be best to wait so that you can fully enjoy the special meal.

Then you pass a large sign advertising another restaurant.  It’s just a run-of-the-mill, below average dining place, but the picture of the large entree causes you to stare in longing.  You again consider stopping for a snack, but resolve to continue waiting.

You pass through a small town, and suddenly, your senses are assaulted by the aromas coming from a small diner.  Your mouth waters as you bask in the smell of hot, ready food.  Your stomach screams to be filled, and your brain quickly justifies the sensible, practical decision to grab something, just a little something, so you don’t feel weak or sick.  It’s not like it’s going to ruin your meal later on.  And so, you gobble down a few bites of greasy fries.

You continue on, and the hours pass.  The short satisfaction the fries brought is long gone, and your belly is again gurgling loudly.  You’ve driven so far, and you begin to get discouraged.  You had no idea it was going to take this long to arrive at the gourmet restaurant.  Is it worth it?  Is it really all it’s cracked up to be?  Why would it be so far away and difficult to get to?  You see so many people enjoying the various restaurants along the way, and they sure seem happy.  And now, to make things worse, it’s late at night and all the restaurants are closed.  Even if you wanted to stop, you couldn’t.  You press on.

Finally, you’ve had enough.  You’ve been traveling for what seems forever, and you’re sick of it.  All you can think of is food.  You begin looking for something that is still open.  The next little town only has one small diner, and as you pass you notice an employee walking back in through the back door.  The dumpster behind him is over-flowing, and you get a glimpse of bread crusts and chicken bones.  You slam on the brakes and turn quickly into the lot.  Within seconds, you are digging frantically through the garbage for bits and pieces of morsels, holding up a half-eaten cheeseburger in delight before you greedily devour it.

Much, much later, you are sitting in the long-anticipated restaurant.  The decor and ambiance are far beyond what you have imagined, but you barely notice them.  As you read the menu, you squirm uncomfortably from digestive cramps.   You’re having a hard time settling on anything.  Previous plans of ordering an appetizer, entree, dessert and special drink have faded, as you wonder if you could even choke down a salad.  The list of appetizers and entrees become a blur.

And so it is with anything that we enjoy.  Food, sex, drink, money, love… We don’t understand their true worth, so we choose just the shadow of their existence and miss out on the blessing.

The biggest irony?  We choose the dumpster garbage fragments over the four-course gourmet meal, and then think we’re getting away with something.  We tell ourselves that we’re free.  We believe the lie that it’s wonderful.

When we actually see the value that lies within the fullness of an enjoyment, we are willing to partake of it within the created boundaries.  Boundaries are no longer viewed as arbitrary and senseless rules, but as protection and support.  It then becomes obvious that those who indulge in the rubbish are captives; slaves of their own unbridled urges; feasting on moldy tidbits.  We are meant to enjoy far greater.

What are you dining on?

Our culture values beauty.

Some might say too much.   But beauty is a wonderful thing.  I don’t think that’s ultimately the problem.  The problem is that we equate beauty with worth.

I’ve said it before: There is nothing wrong with beauty, or with seeking to be attractive.

The trap that is so easy to fall into is somehow turning our level of beauty into our level of value.

You see it when women desire to turn men’s heads.  It is a desire for acceptance, a desire for worth.  She has believed the lie that her significance rests in her allure.

I know, because I’ve been there.

I don’t detest the ones who prance around in display as someone’s eye candy.  How can you hate someone who is so deceived?

I do pity her though.  I want to hug her and tell her that she is worth far more than she believes.  Much more than she could even imagine.  That her splendor doesn’t really come from her eye-appeal.

I want to tell her that she was formed purposefully by One who cares, who fashioned her as a work of art regardless of the culture’s standards, who blessed her (and every woman) with a priceless fortune.

Who gave her precious treasure she doesn’t need to give to any and every man who glances her way.

I’d like to tell her to guard this fortune.  To prize it.  And to only give it to only one man who will cherish it as the masterpiece that it is.

After going over how I can be lazy in my role as wife and mother, I couldn’t leave ya hangin’ there.   Even though I often need blunt honesty to convict me, I also need a picture of what it means to change.

Just as we went over three ways we could be slothful, I want to turn those around and offer a broad picture of what overcoming laziness may look like.

So let’s do it.

motivated

This is a competent woman.

She is dependable.  If she says she is going to do something, she does it.  She is a woman who takes her commitments seriously, in matters small and large.  She not only notices needs, but then seeks to meet those needs.

Even if she doesn’t know how to do something, she has the willingness to either learn about it or enlist the assistance of someone who does.  She is also quick to ask for help, acknowledging that she cannot do it all.  She is diligent in caring for herself and her own needs so that she can fully attend to people and events around her.

Her friends know that they can depend on her, as she is not the type to fall back on excuses.  They can rely on her to keep her promises.  Her husband knows he can count on her, no matter what their circumstance.  She takes joy in actively doing what she can to help him and loves making him happy.  Her children are secure in their relationship with her, as she is diligent in showing affection, caring for their needs, and training them in a variety of things.  Her home, although far from perfect, is a place all enjoy being in because she lovingly tends to it and regularly maintains it.

Perhaps this woman is the one people think of first when they need something done.   Maybe she’s the type that everyone loves to be around because her energy and deep-seated love of life just pours out of her.  Her husband probably looks forward to spending time with her, since she encourages him and always responds to his affection.  She’s likely imaginative and creative with finding ways to accomplish things, whether it be simple chores at home or coming up with ways to make a gathering run more smoothly.  Even if organization doesn’t come naturally to her, she does what she can to contribute to her and the family’s timeliness, efficiency, and orderliness.

anchored

This woman is steady amidst all that life throws at her.

Although she has her bad days, her life is marked by stability and an unfaltering foundation.  She is reliable even through the rough times, because she has a joy that is not dependent on circumstances.

When she fails, she attempts to learn from it and use the lesson to be better equipped in the future.  When life is going very well, she is wise to delight in it’s blessings without becoming careless or prideful.  She loves to serve those around her, whether it be her husband, family or the larger community.  If she is not noticed or appreciated, she still continues doing what she does, as she does not rely on praise from others.   She is not given to emotional extremes because she seeks to root out selfishness and works hard at self-control.

People are tempted to dismiss her steadiness as being due to an easier life, but this is usually far from the truth.  She has perhaps known just as much (if not more) disappointment, tragedy and pain as anyone. What is different is how she views them.  She is not unique in experience, but in her response to those experiences.

Perhaps she is the friend that you can safely share the truth of your burden with, no matter how ugly.  She’s a woman that people trust, because she chooses what’s right despite what’s easy or fun.

teachable

This woman is thirsty for knowledge.

She desires to learn and grow in many areas, whether it be practical (do-it-yourself projects), physical (nutrition, natural health), spiritual (Bible study), and so on.  She views life as holding countless opportunities and possibilities, and just wishes she had more hours in a day!

She is willing to listen to others, and gain from their knowledge and experiences.  She has come to the understanding that the more she has learned, the more she realizes she just doesn’t know.   She takes every opportunity she can to learn, through reading, internet, and engaging in meaningful conversation.  She is also wise and discerning, taking what she can and using it, and chucking out the rest.

She is honest with herself about her own shortcomings.  She seeks to hold herself accountable to others.  She actively works on her areas of weakness, refusing to fall into the trap of self-justification.

This is a woman that is probably reading three books at one time.

And they aren‘t fiction.

Last Sunday, we heard about the dangers of being slothful.  (You can listen to the message here.)  It’s not a commonly used word these days, but we sure aren’t strangers to all that falls under it’s definition.

Slothful: Disinclined to work or exertion; lazy.

As I’ve mulled over what we learned, there’s been a lot to apply to myself as a wife and mother.  Maybe we often think of laziness as  laying around and doing absolutely nothing.  But there’s a lot more to it.  One can be really “busy” and still be slothful.

After going over my notes and reading the three connotations of slothfulness that were given, I’ve thought of three that illustrate how this is so relevant to a wife and mother.

apathetic

This woman does not take her role seriously.

She goes from day to day without thinking of a larger picture, or considering any long term consequences.  Usually, she just treats her house as just a place to sleep and eat.  If it gets any attention at all, it is really only due to necessity (the mother-in-law is visiting!) instead of a mindful purpose to make it a home. Perhaps her husband is mainly ignored except when she needs something done.  She rarely takes the time to consider his needs or preferences, and usually treats him as just another annoying demand.  Her children are loved, but she prefers them to just go watch a video or play so she can just be left alone.

Planning ahead is not something that she ever considers.  What this could mean is that she never thinks about what is for dinner (and doesn’t care) till everyone is hungry.  What usually ends up happening is that she just grabs fast food, orders takeout or throws some cheap, nutritionally void food on the table because that’s “all she has time for”.   Or maybe the house is always a wreck, since she just goes through the day without following any routine and somehow never has time.  Or she can never get out of the house because it takes so long to get the child(ren) ready, or if she does finally leave she is sure to be late.  Most likely, her children run her ragged because she has never even considered training them in self-control, or perhaps just is unwilling to take the time to do so.  She doesn’t seem to notice how ridiculous she looks chasing after an out-of-control toddler or waiting on an older child hand and foot.

Everything is disorganized, dirty, and chaotic.  Of course, to her, it’s someone else’s fault and not because she failed to plan or lacked ambition.

wounded

This woman loves drama.

She’s always claiming some “emergency”, whether it’s involving her, one of the children, or even a friend.  Perhaps someone is always sick or getting taken to the ER.  Or she’s the one who always has the melodramatic prayer requests.  Facebook statuses are usually about the latest disaster going on, which invariably turn out to be just a bit exaggerated.

Or maybe the drama isn’t even quite that evident on the outside.  Maybe it’s more of the insipid, emotional weakness kind where offenses are easily taken and then let go with great difficulty.  Perhaps she is just always tired, or sick, or had her feelings hurt, to the point where it supposedly causes an inability to carry out what is required of her.

Of course, these ongoing crises mean that she can’t be depended on for much of anything, and certainly cannot have anything expected of her.  She is a victim, after all.

Her husband is likely completely exhausted trying to please her, and sick to death of her long list of grievances.  She cannot see past her hurts to even begin to take into consideration his side of the issue.  Her resentment and bitterness is a constant wall that she forces him to attempt to climb, usually to no avail.  She actually prefers her unhappiness, as it offers a really great excuse to not respond to him.

In her mind, her life is busier, more difficult, with far more problems and complications than anyone else.

ignorant

This woman fails to do what it takes to be armed with knowledge so that she is prepared for what life throws at her.

Ignoring the fact that there things like a world wide web, libraries, and hosts of people to gain insight and information from, she would rather not take the time or put in the effort to learn.  To her, the computer is for virtual games, she doesn’t like reading books, and friends are for complaining to during play dates.

She knows how to justify and excuse every lack that she has, or find someone or something else to blame it on.

Most likely, a large number of things around the home are broken and she would never consider trying to fix it herself.  The children are always being carted to the doctor for something or other because she has no clue how to care for even the simplest problem.  Her children are usually the sort who demand constant attention and probably run the household.  Her children’s behavior excuses the family’s lack of participation in most community and social activities, and she never considers teaching them how to appropriately act in public.  She attempts to function in a perpetual state of confusion and turmoil because she refuses to acquire any new knowledge and then skills to apply that knowledge, or at least make use of the knowledge and skills of those around her.

***

This is kind of a depressing post, so let’s not leave it there.  We’ll be going through what slothfulness is not. I hope you’ll be inspired, as I was, to take any areas of conviction and make some positive changes.

I’ve got some work to do!

There’s this one small part in a movie where a guy is talking to another guy about how to get a girl back.

He advises his friend that all he needs to do is hang around a really pretty girl.  He predicts that when his old girlfriend sees them together, she’ll then be determined to hook up with him again.

His logic is that when a girl sees a guy with a beautiful girl, she wants to gain the guy’s attention just so she can think that she is prettier than the other girl.

Interesting.