“You have a great blog.  I’ve gotten some great stuff from it.  Have to say though that I get tired of all your posts about how I should have sex with my husband.  Maybe it’s just easy for you, but it’s not for me.  I’m just not into sex, and shouldn’t he understand that if he loves me?”

Interesting question.  I wonder if you use that same line of thinking when the roles are reversed.

Let’s say he’s not into whatever it is that makes you feel loved and cherished.  So he never says “I love you”.  Or never helps you around the house.  Because it’s just not his thing.

You should just understand that, right?

And, sweetheart?  It’s not about what’s easy or what you are or not into.

Trying to justify your lack of respect and/or consideration using those means is pretty lame.  You’re basically saying that you, your needs, your preferences, your whims, are more important than his.  That’s just not how marriage works.  At least, not a good one.

(If I was talking to him, I’d say that, yes, he would need to be more sympathetic and understanding of you.  But I’m not talking to him, I’m talking to you.  And he likely has great reason to complain about you, too.)

Look, we each have to give and take within our marital relationships.  There are some things that I just have to concede on, and the same is true for my husband.  Stuff like what you each like (or hate) for meals, or what the ideal sleeping temperature  is, or sometimes home decor.  Even, perhaps whether the toilet paper roll faces the front or back.

Sex is no different.  So there’s no “right” answer when it comes to amount of sex.  The point is that you are each supposed to consider the needs of the other above your own.  Instead, you sound as if you’ve given up.  Just decided that your liking takes preference over his.

Worse still, you then throw in the little “if he loved me” line which is basically questioning his commitment to you.  You, the one who is so clearly stating that you are not really committed to him.

I think you are severely underestimating the hurt you cause him each time you turn him down.  Habitual rejection has a devastating effect on marriage.

And, not that it matters, but it’s not always easy for me.  I could remind you that we’ve been married 17 years, have had six children, own businesses, etc.  So I am no stranger to the ebb and flow of sexual drive. But here’s what I’ve learned..

I cannot base my actions solely upon my feelings at any given time.  Love also consists of purposeful acts and conscious decisions, made consistently and regularly.

Sex, as an act of love, falls under that umbrella.  It’s interesting to note that feelings often follow acts, and this is true of sex as well.  Willingness soon leads to enjoyment.

When I have experienced down times, I examined what the underlying issue was, and attempted to address it.  Bad diet, lack of certain nutrients, hormone levels, emotional reasons, hidden resentment, or depression can cause low sex drive, or even sexual aversion.  Being inclined to address the issue and then doing what it takes to heal goes a long way in restoring a healthy sex life with your husband.

Did you know that most women who are in prostitution began when they were just thirteen to sixteen years old?

So many girls are there because they basically found themselves there, long before they had the ability to really make their own choices.

Some of them jump at the chance to get out of that lifestyle. Others stay in.  But all of them are real. While the details of their experiences differ, a thread of similarity interweaves them together.

Many of them were romanced by a young man promising the world, quickly becoming too entangled to leave, even if they wanted to.  Most of them don’t know if they want to leave.  They’ve been mistreated and abused for as long as they can remember; By their dads, brothers, friends… They don’t know any differently.

I am angry.

Not so much at the pimps and johns who abuse and exploit these women and girls.  Not even so much at the idiots who hire them.  Not at the cops who arrest them, forgetting these underage girls are victims as much as they are criminals.  Not at the hospital workers who treat and release them with no questions asked.

No, I am angry at myself.  I am angry at you.

I asked this question recently, and I ask it again; How are we, in our safe and supposedly disconnected lives, contributing to this problem by perpetuating a mindset of flippancy and selfishness when it comes to women and sex?

Oh, we may think we are free to do what we want.  But our choices have greater significance than what goes on in our little, sterile world.   Our worldviews become our course of action, and those collective actions build up and become a general mindset for a group.

Our decisions have huge impact, because they become culture.

How we dress, who we sleep with, how many we sleep with, what pictures we post of ourselves on Facebook, what our MySpace page looks like, what our email address is, what we think is funny, what we wink at, what we choose to ignore, what we place importance on, what we joke about, what we take offense at, how we treat people of the opposite sex, how we treat our spouse, what clothing we buy for our young daughters, how we allow ourselves to be treated, how we fail to protect the weak…

…it matters.

I hear outrage expressed sometimes, about female genital mutilation, child prostitution, sex trafficking, and on and on… But that happens right here.  Not in just some dirty country halfway around the world, but in our neighborhoods.  And yet we have songs that joke about being in love with a stripper?  We yuk it up about being a pimp?

These girls, these little girls, are connected to your choices.

Here’s my opinion about the hypocrisy and ridiculousness of people who scream about their “rights” or “freedom” or even “equality” while making fun of those who understand the importance of self-control and the value of sexual boundaries…

Don’t you dare to talk to me about human rights and social justice when you turn right around and contribute to a tradition of sexual promiscuity.

I am not impressed with labels that try to make irresponsibility into something cool.   It’s not even about religious morals.  I don’t care if you’re agnostic, Christian, atheist, or Buddhist.

If you have an underlying disrespect and disregard for your body, the bodies of others, and for sex, you are providing the groundwork for the abuse of girls and women.

I’m sure they thank you for your contribution.

Part 1 was Strength.  Part 2 was Works.  Part 3 was Speech.

A real man understands that life is much bigger than himself, his needs and wants, or his video game score.

A real man makes love to his wife unselfishly.  He seeks to learn what pleases her.  He practices self-control.  He never stops wooing his wife.

A real man understands that washing dishes or vacuuming can be foreplay.

A real man is patient and tender with his children.  He isn’t afraid to get down on their level.  He challenges and stretches them while acknowledging their limitations and weaknesses.

“I don’t understand you.  You write about sex a lot.  That’s cool.  A lot of it has really made me think.  But then you write sh*t like how awful pole dancing is, like some bible thumping prude.  Isn’t that hypocritical?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating on you or what you say but honestly just don’t see how it all fits together.”

I believe you are referring to a comment I made on Facebook about the inappropriateness of having pole dancers at a local fundraiser.

Maybe this will clear any confusion.

I don’t have anything against pole dancing.  Pole dancing is great…

if it is a wife dancing for her husband.

(Or a husband dancing for his wife, if they’re into that sort of thing.)

It’s pretty simple, actually.  I think sex is designed and created to be enjoyed between two people within the context of marriage. In this sense, I encourage married couples to fully indulge sexually, and that includes wives satisfying their husband visually.

But the point of our sexuality being an awesome pleasure that is celebrated with our spouse also means that no one else is allowed, including visually.  So, no porn, or strip clubs or even stupid fundraisers with pole dancers.

When married couples completely sexually devote themselves only to one another, they can also revel in the sensual freedom that it brings.  He is faithful to her in all ways, and she therefore feels safe with him.  There is openness and complete pleasure.

As for the Bible thumping, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

It is the Jesus freaks who have the best sex.

See, God invented sex.  And there’s a funny thing about completely embracing the purposes and plans of the One who invented sex.  It not only makes sense, it makes for greater intimacy and passion.

Besides, God also wrote about dancing for your man.  Yup, it’s in the Bible.

In the end of Song of Solomon 6 and throughout 7, a wife performs the dance of Mahanaim, an ancient strip tease, as her husband encourages her by praising every part of her body.

Now, that’s the kind of Bible thumping I dig.

“I enjoy date nights.  But there’s a problem that is starting to make me dread them.  Every time, without fail, my husband wants to end the evening with sex.  It’s like he even expects it.”

Uh…

Excuse me for a second.

*pounding head against wall*

Okay.  Help me out here.  Why the heck would you not end a great evening together with sex?

And, please.  Spare me your usual lame excuses.

If your sex life is lousy, then date night is the perfect time to work on that.  Don’t continue in the cycle of rejecting him, causing hurt feelings on both sides, and then denying there’s a problem.  Get over yourself, woman, and give your man some satisfaction.

Let’s face it, many women don’t want sex because their emotional needs aren’t being met.

BUT.

Listen, if you want evenings of conversation and time together, or at least have him take out the garbage all on his own at least once, then you damn well need to be attentive to his needs as well.  What motivation does he have to woo you when you can’t, no, you won’t, meet even his most basic desires?  Come on.  Sex is easy! He’s the one with the difficult job!

And, yes, you bet I’m calling you difficult.

If you have trouble being “in the mood”, you need a reality check.  I doubt he’s often “in the mood” to come home to your complaining.

News flash.  It’s your job to be excited about sex.  Don’t lay that impossible burden on him.

Change the way you think about sex, and it’ll change how you feel about it.   Basically, get your thoughts turned in that direction ahead of time, in an attitude of eager expectancy.  Prepare the way mentally, and it’ll be that much easier to respond physically.

I’ve been told I have some pretty weird, out-dated ideas about sex and related issues like porn, abstinence, and sex in marriage.  When asked why I believe what I do, the easy answer is because that’s what the Bible says about it. But that doesn’t mean much to most people, even those who claim to believe in Jesus.

My guess is because we really don’t understand why God would’ve said to wait till marriage to have sex, or to remain monogamous as long as you both live, or to never lust after another, etc.  In our minds, it’s like a stern, glaring parent telling us we can’t have any candy.  It just seems like we’re being kept from doing all the fun, yummy stuff.

It doesn’t dawn on us that if the One who created our bodies, created sex, created attraction, and created orgasm, then He probably had a reason for it, and most likely designed that purpose to give us great, even mind-blowing blessing.

Instead, we settle for far, far less.  Let me explain.

Let’s say that you’re going to meet your friend at a really classy, upscale restaurant.  They’ve offered to buy, and you are anticipating the wonderful, mouth-watering meal you’ll enjoy there.  As you travel, you hungrily wonder what will be on the menu.  You’ve heard stories of the fantastic experiences others have had, and you can hardly wait to savor it yourself.

As the miles pass, you cannot stop thinking about how ravenous you are already.  Your stomach growls loudly, and you consider stopping to get something small and light to take the edge off your hunger.  You continue on, knowing that it would be best to wait so that you can fully enjoy the special meal.

Then you pass a large sign advertising another restaurant.  It’s just a run-of-the-mill, below average dining place, but the picture of the large entree causes you to stare in longing.  You again consider stopping for a snack, but resolve to continue waiting.

You pass through a small town, and suddenly, your senses are assaulted by the aromas coming from a small diner.  Your mouth waters as you bask in the smell of hot, ready food.  Your stomach screams to be filled, and your brain quickly justifies the sensible, practical decision to grab something, just a little something, so you don’t feel weak or sick.  It’s not like it’s going to ruin your meal later on.  And so, you gobble down a few bites of greasy fries.

You continue on, and the hours pass.  The short satisfaction the fries brought is long gone, and your belly is again gurgling loudly.  You’ve driven so far, and you begin to get discouraged.  You had no idea it was going to take this long to arrive at the gourmet restaurant.  Is it worth it?  Is it really all it’s cracked up to be?  Why would it be so far away and difficult to get to?  You see so many people enjoying the various restaurants along the way, and they sure seem happy.  And now, to make things worse, it’s late at night and all the restaurants are closed.  Even if you wanted to stop, you couldn’t.  You press on.

Finally, you’ve had enough.  You’ve been traveling for what seems forever, and you’re sick of it.  All you can think of is food.  You begin looking for something that is still open.  The next little town only has one small diner, and as you pass you notice an employee walking back in through the back door.  The dumpster behind him is over-flowing, and you get a glimpse of bread crusts and chicken bones.  You slam on the brakes and turn quickly into the lot.  Within seconds, you are digging frantically through the garbage for bits and pieces of morsels, holding up a half-eaten cheeseburger in delight before you greedily devour it.

Much, much later, you are sitting in the long-anticipated restaurant.  The decor and ambiance are far beyond what you have imagined, but you barely notice them.  As you read the menu, you squirm uncomfortably from digestive cramps.   You’re having a hard time settling on anything.  Previous plans of ordering an appetizer, entree, dessert and special drink have faded, as you wonder if you could even choke down a salad.  The list of appetizers and entrees become a blur.

And so it is with anything that we enjoy.  Food, sex, drink, money, love… We don’t understand their true worth, so we choose just the shadow of their existence and miss out on the blessing.

The biggest irony?  We choose the dumpster garbage fragments over the four-course gourmet meal, and then think we’re getting away with something.  We tell ourselves that we’re free.  We believe the lie that it’s wonderful.

When we actually see the value that lies within the fullness of an enjoyment, we are willing to partake of it within the created boundaries.  Boundaries are no longer viewed as arbitrary and senseless rules, but as protection and support.  It then becomes obvious that those who indulge in the rubbish are captives; slaves of their own unbridled urges; feasting on moldy tidbits.  We are meant to enjoy far greater.

What are you dining on?

What’s so “bad” about porn, anyways?

It’s a great tension reliever, right?  If your spouse isn’t in the mood, it’s a great alternative, right?  One can always pick up some new techniques and tips, right?

And my very favorite:

Sexual urges are normal and people who say bad things about porn are just judgmental, sexually-repressed prudes, right?

Except that people who view porn have LESS satisfactory sex lives, LESS appreciation for the nude form, LESS fulfilling relationships, and MORE sexual tension.

Look, even if you put aside the moral/religious/spiritual issues, the act of viewing porn (and the usual ending act of masturbation) sends out a ripple effect of consequences that are small but significant.

Regularly viewing porn changes the way we experience pleasure.

The ability to orchestrate sexual buildup and then release offers an initial rush.  We then, naturally, want to repeat that experience.  Soon, it’s as if one needs to repeat it more and more often, while one’s desire for other forms of sexual pleasure diminish.

One theory is that regular solo sexual-fulfillment re-wires the pleasure centers of the brain.  This new mode of sexual satisfaction creates new brain circuits that become increasingly difficult to break.

I don’t know if this is true, but I do know far too many instances in which viewing porn/masturbation ends up replacing real intimacy with a loved one.  The porn-viewer actually begins to prefer jacking off by themselves to real intercourse with another warm body.

Porn objectifies humans.

The human form is beautiful.  Nudity is a wonderful thing.  Becoming sexually aroused from visually appreciating another person is natural, normal, and oh-so-glorious.  In this light, we like to think that viewing porn can enhance our sex lives.

And yet, becoming aroused by looking at pictures or viewing videos only offers a limited, one-dimensional portrayal of a human body.  Sex, whether it be masturbation or intercourse, begins to be solely about achieving orgasm.  It is reduced to a hormonal-driven act devoid of warmth, affection, or attachment.  When the regular porn-viewer engages in intercourse with another, their past experiences of enjoying egocentric pleasure affects their later attempts to connect to a real person.  Their lover isn’t as much another living, breathing soul with whom they enjoy an intermingling of spirit and passion than they are downgraded to a conglomerate of various body parts.

Regular porn viewers are apt to become pathetic and inadequate sexual partners.

The person viewing porn is able to enjoy a visual feast free from the constraints of all the imperfections and failings that go along with engaging an actual person.  Sometimes, the time and effort it may take to make sex mutually enjoyable can be frustrating and more work than it’s worth.  It can seem so much more convenient to singularly focus on reaching sexual self-gratification as quickly as one wants, however one wants, than to experience the give and take, ebb and flow that occurs while making love with another.

Continually bypassing shared sexual pleasure means one also forgoes the opportunity to learn about their partner.  There are always new discoveries to be made and deeper bonds to be forged.  Solo porn-watching and masturbation only focuses on the satisfaction of one person.  This habitual practice of selfish sexual enjoyment makes it increasingly difficult to not only relate to the needs of another person, but also the ability to meet them.

It’s like using a jack-hammer to cut up a birthday cake.  Or pounding on the double bass drum during a symphony.  The porn-viewer is only accustomed to solely acknowledging and fulfilling their own needs and preferences.  It’s a hard habit to break.

So now what?

It’s not uncommon for couples to have to face the issue of porn head on.  I’ve read that around 60% of men regularly engage in viewing pornography, and there is an increasing number of women joining the ranks.  In addition, there is a common theme of porn “addiction” being thrown around.

Um, no.

It’s a habit.  It’s a choice.  New habits can be made.  One might want to consider the terms self-control, discipline, and actual regard for their commitment to another person, whether it be current or future.  Their are so many resources out there.  Use them.  Get a life.

A word for the person in a relationship who is not the one engaging in porn…

Consider your possible role in the problem.  Are you reluctant to fully meet the needs of your partner?  Are you willing to enjoy lovemaking whenever your partner wants, even when you don’t feel like it?  Are you open to talking honestly and hearing what is on their heart?

While another person is never responsible for another adult’s idiotic choices, your failure to recognize the importance of a mutually satisfying love life could be killing your marriage from the inside.

(I am obligated to add a post-script for individuals who are in an abusive relationship…  Being forced to watch porn is never, under any circumstances, acceptable.  Further, a spouse who insists in any way that their partner is to blame for their wrongful actions is completely unjustified.  Seek help.)

This post is a year old but, ladies! I think it’s something we need to hear again.

Today, I am ranting about wives and sex.  Yes, I am a wife and yes, I have sex, so I am allowed to rant.

(Disclaimer:  Once again, if you are related to me or go to church with me avoid the whole mental picture thing by believing I actually DON’T have sex.  Ever.  Just make up a reason how all these children got here.)

Okay.  Moving on.

I was on an online community thing for wives and, of course, the subject of sex came up.  Specifically, the subject of how husbands want sex all the time and how does a woman deal with that?

Oh, the moaning and groaning that exploded was enough to make my head spin.  And I don’t mean moaning and groaning in the way that their husbands wanted.  I mean the kind that can only be described one way.  Bitching.

Um, hello?

You did not know this before you married him?  You are surprised he wants sex?  And since you expect him to remain monogamous you are now surprised he wants sex with you?

Ladies, be honest.

Wasn’t there a time when you were really into it?  That you reveled in his attention and gave as much as you got?

So, what happened?

I know, I know.  I’ve heard all the excuses.  Believe me, that online community was FULL of them.  Your husband has heard them all, too.

Boo-hoo.

Kwitcher whinin’, woman.

I’m annoyed, and I’m not even a guy.  You are totally giving weight to all the stupid jokes and prejudices against marriage and great sex.

There was one comment in particular that would be funny if it wasn’t so ridiculous.

Someone (who I agreed wholeheartedly with) was encouraging all the ladies to bless their marriages by having sex with their husbands even when they didn’t feel like it.

The wife who had been complaining the loudest said,

(get this)

she valued sex too much to do it when she didn’t feel like it.

So what’s she’s saying is that

• she values sex more than her husband.
• since she supposedly values it more than him, she gets to determine when they have it.
• since she values it more than him, he has to put up with less sex.

And then wives wonder why their husbands don’t cherish them the way they want them to.

What if he ‘didn’t feel like’ coming home to her?  What if he ‘didn’t feel like’ sitting on the couch and talking with her?  What if he ‘didn’t feel like’ going to work anymore?

Wives, don’t “value” sex so much that you keep it on your shelf all shiny and pretty, never to be used.

It’s a gift.  A huge blessing. Enjoy it.  Revel in it.  Learn to truly value it again.  Bless your husband with it.

Often.

Yesterday I stated that real love involves personal sacrifice.  Let’s explore that more fully.

There is an ancient romantic script that depicts love beautifully.   The Songs of Solomon are about a couple who love each other fiercely and describe their devotion to one another.  In it, we find some Hebrew words for love that we can learn from:

Raya – defined as friend or companion. Not to be confused with a mere acquaintance, it is the kind of bond you have with someone when you have seen their flaws and shortcomings, and you still like them.

So, we get along with someone pretty well and enjoy being with them.  For most, this is usually enough.  If there’s strong physical attraction and we’re idiots, we take it to the next level on our own and have sex.  Of course, we’re then shocked when we struggle and barely cling to our notion of love that seems so difficult and well, unsatisfying.

It’s broken, and so we try to learn better sexual techniques, or try to learn how to communicate more effectively, or decide that we just need to satisfy and depend solely on ourselves.  Often that means we leave and make the same mistake with the next person we find who fits raya.

There is far more to love.

ahava – This is the love of the will.  It is a conscious decision, made over and over.  It is saying, I am going to stick with this person despite circumstances, amidst any changing feelings, and throughout the realities of life.  This flies in the face of what we likely believe.  We are too wrapped up in what “I deserve” and what “my rights” are and fear and insecurities and baggage and on and on.

But it is only through this specific action of constant choosing that we can experience the third aspect of love.  The kind we can have only when we’re willing for the sacrifice it means to have it.

Dod – This is basically sex, but it’s the kind of sexual intimacy that includes both raya and ahava. It’s all the physical aspects of lovemaking like caressing and orgasm added to the tenderness of opening yourself fully and the security of knowing you can trust and be safely vulnerable with this person.  It’s probably what most have in their mind when they say things like “soul mate”.

Are you limiting yourself to raya love?  Or are you willing for the personal sacrifice of ahava love to have dod love?

Again, these posts are written with functional, generally healthy relationships in mind. Don’t use me to justify staying in an abusive relationship. Get informed, get help.

There is a lot of nonsense revolving around how people define love.  You’ll hear about meeting the “one” true love, knowing via a kiss, and falling in (and out) of love.  It’s as if love is some kind of sickness that infects some and makes them act in strange ways, an arbitrary disease beyond our control that can pass as quickly as it comes.  If we’re “cured” and just “fall out of love” it’s no fault of our own, and of course we’re completely justified in going on our merry way… Unless the ailment strikes again.

Others will reduce it to a result of hormones and chemicals surging in the brain and other organs.  Again, something completely beyond our control.  We’re robots under the command of seemingly random internal spurts and sizzles.

Movies and books perpetuate this rubbish.  You’re either a die-hard romantic who swoons and sighs, as fickle as the wind,  or you’re the resolute logical one who doesn’t “believe” in it at all.  At least, until the part where they too finally get overtaken with infectious love and live happily ever after with their soul mate.

Oh, we don’t like to let go of this idea.  It resonates with us.  Mainly, I think, because it absolves us of any responsibility.

Other words should come to mind along with the word love.  Expressions like commitment, honor, dedication, honesty, respect, devotion, serving…

There are quite a few definitions in the mockumentary Paper Heart. Ironically, it was the romance novelist  who came the closest to describing love correctly.

“When one makes a personal sacrifice for another person, that’s when it’s really love.”

Sacrifice.

Love isn’t without warm, gushy emotions, passionate intensity, and all that kind of stuff we prefer to focus on.  It’s also much, much more than that.

True love is giving, serving, and loving even when we don’t feel any of those things.

Tomorrow we’ll continue with Part 2 by discussing the three aspects of love.

These posts are written with functional, generally healthy relationships in mind. Don’t use me to justify staying in an abusive relationship. Get informed, get help.